Over the summer, I went on a missions trip to Philadelphia that changed me...for a little while, at least. You see, before the trip, I used to wear so much makeup that sometimes I didn't even recognize myself. It wasn't eye makeup, so it wasn't too horribly noticable, just foundation. I hated my skin, I hated my face in general, So I would splatter just about every foundation and concealer I had just to cover up...myself.
When we got to philly, I still did that for the first 3 days while we were in training. But once we actually had to go out onto the mission field, the humidity was so bad that if I wore any makeup at all it would just slide right off of my face. I didn't really have a choice, I had to look that way, or have mascara smeared down my cheeks.
By the end of the trip, I was so used to seeing my face that way that I didn't feel the need to wear it anymore. It went on like that until the first day of my freshman year. I got up in the morning, got all ready, no makeup whatsoever. But then I started thinking, these aren't people from my youth group who don't care, these are people from school, who do. So I splattered on the makeup, like I always used to, and it's been that way ever since.
When there's no school, like now on Christmas break, I don't feel the need to "Paint my face" as my Dad calls it, And I started thinking..why should I have to when schools in? I mean, no matter how much makeup I put on my face, I can't escape the reality of who I really am. I am frizzy, curly haired Lorynne. I am the one with the past acne scars on my cheeks. I am the one with all the freckles scattered across my nose.
I don't think even writing this is going to teach me my lesson. But I can still look back on it, and remember that I don't need to mask myself with makeup. But on my first day of my new high school, I'll probably do it again. And maybe a week, maybe a month, who knows how long! I'll look back on this and learn it all again. I don't know how long it's going to take before I can feel beautiful without it, but this sure is a start.
So here I am. To be honest, this isnt even that good of a picture. One of my cheeks is red like my hair from scars, but the webcam I have made it turn out like this. But here I am, makeupless, hair natural...It's me. And no matter how hard I try, I can't change that.
Thanks for reading.
Recently, I lost 2 of my very best friends. I'm sure we all know what's that's like. You wonder: "What did I do wrong?" I've been repeating that over and over in my head for about a week now. I guess the whole point of this post is that I've come to realize that not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to stay by your side.
You have to find the ones who will. One of the people I've lost I've been best friends with for about 9 months. At the time we met, I was praying and praying, "Please, God! I need a real friend. Please, bring someone into my life." and then I met her. And we had an awesome friendship, but, everything happens for a reason. I don't understand now, but I know good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I bet a lot of you are thinking, "Wow, you're taking this awfully well for this happening just a week ago!" Truth? I'm not. Truth? Last night, when both of my parents weren't home, I was in my room crying my eyes out, angry, upset, I was wondering "Why, God!? Why would you bring her into my life just to take her out! Why!" But you know, God never gives us anything that we can't handle.
Want to know another truth? Okay, here it is: I. Am. Not. Perfect. I have flaws. I say and do stupid things. I regret it later. And wanna know what else? Sometimes, when I'm angry or upset, or when I don't even realize I'm doing it, a bad word will slip out of my mouth. Hold the gasps! I know, right? A Christian doesn't do those things!
Wrong. Now, you can't read what I just admitted and now realize you do the exact same things. No matter how hard we try, We. Mess. Up. It's human. We're all going to make mistakes, We're all going to fail trying not to sometimes. That doesn't mean we're bad people, it just makes us what we are. Human.
I'm posting this because if you've lost a friend, or in my case, 2 very special friends, It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You're going to get angry, you're going to get upset, just like I did! But you didn't do anything wrong. God took them out of your life for a reason. Now, don't get me wrong, I still love those 2 special girls with all that I've got, and I only wish the best for them, But I am upset with them. Wanna know why? You guessed it! I. Am. Human!
So there you have it. The truth. People change, people leave. But that doesn't mean you should mope around and get upset like I did, it just means you need to try your best to keep your head high, and move on with your life. Wanna know one last truth? Here it is. : Life is too short to mope around because of your future. You can't change your past, but you can make your future whatever you want it to be.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost.
Now, go out there and live life to the fullest, and remember no matter who you are, I'm here for you. No matter what.
I'm sure we all know what it's like to hide. To hide your real self, hide what you want to say...and how you feel. Hiding from the world. It's hard to be yourself in a world full of others that want you to be just like them. It's hard to be yourself in a world full of people who mock others for individuality. Its just hard.
It's hard being the "weird kid". It's hard being the one that's able to stand out and not care. But me? I've made that choice. I want to stand out and say what I want and what I feel is right. I want to stand up when I know what I believe in. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle, Doesn't mean it's still not hard.
You know those masks the superheroes wear? Like the ones from "The Incredibles"? Why do they wear them? To hide their identities, they don't want everyone to know who they really are. We all wear one just like that. We all put on a fake mask and walk around with it, pretending to be something we all know we're not. We're all fake.
I'm not saying this to be rude, or to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but it's the truth. Take a good look at yourself right now: how many times have you wanted to stand up for what you believe in, but didn't because you were too afraid? How many times have you wanted to say what you feel, but couldn't, because of the fear people wouldn't accept you? If you're being honest with yourself, you're thinking "one too many times".
I'm taking a good look at myself right now. Sure, I dress how I want and don't care what anyone has to say about it, But hey, I never speak what's on my mind. I barely speak at all to people I'm not close to, And why? Because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid people won't take me as I am, and I'll be an outcast. I. Am. Afraid.
I'm like every other human being on this Earth. I have fears, I have flaws....But I've come to realize, I'm not afraid to admit to them. If I don't control them, they will soon control me. And I'm not going to let that happen.
The point of this post is to tell people: It's okay to be afraid, but don't let your fears get in the way of doing what you want to do like I am. If you're afraid to speak out, don't choose to just be silent like me, choose to speak. We are all on this Earth for a purpose, and if we don't try, we'll never find out what that purpose is.
If you'd like to talk more on this, or anything else, you can reach me at: jaydesaysrawrr@hotmail.com
Remember: I love you, every single one of you, and I'm a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on if you need it. Thanks for reading.
Hmm. I bet there are so many other people who feel exactly as the title says. I've sure been feeling that way lately. It just seems like I'm 2 steps in back of everyone else. Like everyone is out there having fun, and just living life to it's fullest. I know I've definitely had my share of problems with being afraid to really get out there and have fun for a change.
Then, out of nowhere, I came across this quote:
"Just because today was a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your entire life, you just have to wake up and get there." -Pete Wentz
Some people here are probably thinking "Yeah, right. Because I'm going to wake up tomorrow and all my problems are going to be magically gone. Sure." But that's not it. We just have to have hope and keep pushing on that tomorrow we could wake up, and it's just going to be amazing. We all have our time to shine, maybe it's tomorrow, maybe it's in a week, maybe it's not even until you're 50 years old! But it'll come eventually, just you wait and see.
I know what it feels like to feel like you're not going to fit in, to try and hide yourself because you're afraid of being rejected, but that's okay. God tells us to be different, to not give in to the conformist ways of this world. The song "Anti Conformity" By. Krystel Meyers really explains that, and it has a catchy beat :] Look it up sometime.
To wrap this all up, I just wanted to explain that no matter how bad your week is going, or maybe even month is going, just keep waiting for your moment. Because in that moment, God will give you your time to shine, and you're going to Rock It! :]
" And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
Ahh....I don't know about you, but those lyrics make me feel invincible. I've been having the worst self esteem issues, and last night at youth, I heard those words and I felt like I was capable of doing anything I desired.
It always seems like when I'm at my highest point in confidence, when my anxiety is under control, stupid Satan comes and brings drama or pain and makes everything even lower than when it began. I'm happy for once in a long while, I'm laughing with my friends, then one day, I wake up, and look in the mirror, and I feel ugly, worthless, hatred to myself than I had ever before. Then I went to youth last night, feeling completely terrible, and God just makes me feel like I'm worth something again.
I've had these issues with anxiety and esteem for a while, but when I started high school it got ten times worse. I always feel like everyone is looking at me, like their talking bad things about me, And I know I'm just over thinking it, but I can't help it. It just amazes me how one morning I'm crying and that very night I'm on top of the world.
I realized through all of this though....and through watching the movie "Fireproof" (Which I have to say, was amazing), That I am fireproof myself, fire will come, but with God by my side I'm not going to get burned, And that amazes me in a million different ways.
The whole point in this post is because I feel like there's so many other girls out there, struggling with the things I'm going through too. I just want to let them all know, even though I don't feel beautiful myself most of the time, It doesn't matter what you look like, what outfit you're wearing to school, how your hair looks 24/7. God is going to judge you by what's in your heart and nothing more. So stand by Him no matter what, and He promises he'll reward you in the end.
Thank you so much to everyone who reads and follows my blog, I really enjoy writing and it's amazing to be able to share what God is doing in my life, and I love you all :]
Stay strong, get through it, It'll all be okay in the end<3
Take a minute to really look at that picture. What do you think when you see it? When I look at it, I feel happiness. I smile and it makes me think of good times. That's my best friend Hannah and I on my first night back from Philadelphia.
I am truly blessed with such an amazing friend like her. I finally found someone who understands me and someone who is not going to leave me for stupid reasons, like most people usually do. Someone who really likes me for who I am and nothing more.
I feel like when people see pictures like that, they think this: Oh, So if you're a Christian and you believe in God, everything in my life will immediately get better. No. Not at all. People have it all wrong. First off, we're merely human. We ALL make mistakes, we ALL make wrong choices, We ALL have our up and down days.
Second, Being a Christian doesn't mean you're going to be all happy and everything in your life is going to be perfect 24/7, It just means you're choosing to follow God and give all your heart to Him. This is how I imagine it: There's a regular wire gate, on the left, there's darkness. The floor is cracking, and it looks terrible, but all your friends are there waiting for you, calling you over. On the other side, there's a bright blue sky and emerald green grass and warmth, but nobody is there waiting for you. You HAVE to pick a side, you can't go back, and you can't go in-between.
Which side would you choose? Of course, most of you would say "The side with all my friends!" Wrong. Trust me, I once chose to go on that side, but you have to think, if I had gone on the other side, just looked a little beyond not being able to go to my friends, God would be there waiting for me, And he is. And why am I telling you all of this? Because right at this very moment, right as I'm typing, people are dying and going to Hell. Hell is just as real as Heaven is.
I think we all forget how real Hell is. Just think, every step you take, everywhere you go, people are dying and suffering. Don't you want to do something about it? To sum this up, Christianity is NOT a bed of roses, it's not easy at all, being different. It's just worth it.
You know those days when nothing seems to go right? And it seems no matter how much fun you had, at the end of the day it doesn't even matter anymore. I had one of those days today. By the end of the day, I wanted to cry. It was my first beach trip with my youth group, and I had so much fun, but then I only focused on the bad things that happened.
I realized once I got home, why should I focus on that? I had so many more good times today than I have in a long while, then 10 minutes later, I get a bible verse sent to my phone (I get 2 a day) and it said this:
"He will wipe away every tear from them. Every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; neither will there be mourning" John 21:4.
How awesome is that?! Right when I feel like I hate myself and I just want to give up on everything, Right when I'm feeling worthless and stupid, I read that. It reminded me none of it matters! We all have our ups and downs, but why focus on the downs in the first place? I know it's hard not to. Nothing going right. But when nothing goes right, Go Left :]
So, tonight was probably the best youth service since I've been there. Pastor Cody went up and preached on how worship should be. I mean, I almost always sing, but I never really got into the whole thing. He said that even if it meant standing when everyone is on their knees, or vice versa, God would honor you for it. It made me realize that if there's something that makes me feel uncomfortable, or something that makes me feel like people are staring at me, I'm giving it my all.
So, instead of standing to the back and clapping silently, I got up there and worshiped, not because everyone else was doing it, but because I wanted to. I sang loud enough I could hear myself over the music, I raised my hands because I wanted to, and I stood when everyone else was on their knees.
It's probably the best feeling in the world to completely praise God and not care what anyone thinks of you. And truthfully, I wasn't even excited for youth in the first place. I came thinking: "okay, this is just going to be like any other service. I'm going to sit in the back the whole time because I don't fit in." It wasn't though! Not at all!
I got up in front of everyone, And said what God did in my life at Philly, I made people laugh! I had people cheering me on! I realized, what does it matter what I look like without a gallon of makeup? What does it matter if people stare at me? It was just amazing to really know God has had my back the entire time, and I just wanted to share that with you all :]
I don't know why, but today I've been feeling a little down. I guess it's just one of those days when I don't really feel like there's anything to be excited or happy about, or when I feel like everything's going wrong when it's not.... so I looked up "bible verse of the day" on google, and one caught my eye:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
I don't know about you, but this verse made me feel a million times better. Even when things are going wrong, even when everything is falling apart, he's never going to leave. His love for you never changes, He always stays the same. It just made me think of how lucky I am to have a God who loves me that much.
I just wanted to share this, for people who feel like they don't have anyone who truly loves them, for anyone who has people who has left them, just remember, God never will. He'll always stick by your side and help you through it. Anyways, He didn't say it would be easy, He just said He'd be by your side no matter what.
Oh God, Even when everything is going wrong, you're still always there for me. I don't know why, but just now I felt a sudden feeling on peace wash over me, and I felt like God was telling me he's always there. I'm starting high school this Monday! THIS MONDAY! And I'm probably one of the only teens I know who isn't excited.
To tell you the truth, I'm worried about self-image. In middle school, I didn't care what everyone thought of me because I knew all these people since my little elementary days, and I had never really fit in with them, so why try now, you know? I guess I was just hoping I could fit in a little better. New school, new people.
I'm slowly starting to get excited as this last week of freedom goes by. There's going to be people who think a bit like me, people who dress like me, people who can try to understand me. And even if there isn't, I will always have my best friend, Hannah, by my side. And I love having her there, She's amazing, but I do want to reach out and see how many people can relate to me, and since there's so many people, hopefully it'll be better than middle school, which was terrible.
Anyways, to sum it all up, I just felt like God was saying: "Listen, Lorynne. No matter how many people hurt you in these next 4-5 years of your life, no matter how many people leave you, no matter how hard and stressed you get, and no matter how much you feel like giving up, Don't. Because I am going to be by your side no matter what." And it has to be the best feeling in the world.
I know I already put this quote on the bottom of my first post, but I just cant get enough of it. So here it is again:
"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." 1John 2:17
Just remember that verse when you feel like he isn't there, because he always is. Sometimes the hard stuff or the stuff we're scared of that just doesn't seem fair, and you're wondering why God would make you go through it. It's going to pass. It's just God getting rid of the junk in your life to put in something better and exciting. He Loves Us So Much. Remember That.
My Sunday Pastor is amazing. He always knows how to really make me think. The question he asked us today was: Do You Want To Be Free? Of course we all want to be free! People just aren't willing to sacrifice what it takes to really be free these days. It's ironic when you think about it. Jesus gave up so much for us, shouldn't we be able to give him what little he asks of us?
There's an amazing quote I've been hearing lately too: God Loves You Just The Way You Are, But He Loves You Way Too Much To Let You Stay That Way. It's perfectly true. Just think, you could have your fun now, and spend an eternity burning in Hell, or you can live for Jesus. Sure, You might get made fun of, but wouldn't you rather get made fun of now and have a lifetime of endless joy later on?
I don't people realize that Hell is just as real as Heaven is. People would rather go to the place with gnashing of teeth and endless suffering than go through a few cruel words and actions now. It really makes you think: This is where I'm going for ETERNITY. I can't even wrap my mind around that concept. This is never going to end. It's going to go on forever. FOREVER. Would you rather spend Eternity in pain and suffering, or in endless joy and peace. The choice is ours.
Just remember: God has open arms for you. No matter what the circumstance. He always loves you and no matter what horrible thing you've done, he'll always forgive you. He wants you to be in Heaven someday, But it's up to you.
Pain? Or Joy? You can't live in-between.
For those of you who truly know me, I am one of the most insecure people you'll meet. I HATE the way I look and get angry with myself every time someone says I'm pretty, because they're WRONG.
I usually never tell anyone how insecure I really am because I almost always get this response: "she just wants attention". NO. You know, there are millions of girls in the world cutting themselves, starving themselves, puking their guts out and killing themselves. Do you honestly think all these girls do that to themselves for ATTENTION?!
If people only knew how hard it is to be a teen girl with individuality in these times, maybe we'd actually be helping these girls more than putting them down and making whatever they're going through worse. And Yes, I would know, because I was one of those girls not too long ago. And I know that attention-craving wasn't on my mind when I was sticking my finger down my throat every night.
I did it because I hated myself to the point where I physically wanted to hurt myself. I did it because I felt worthless, I felt like I was NOTHING to ANYONE. I felt alone, and people just looked at me and rolled there eyes because I wanted ATTENTION.
This was just a rant of my feelings, and hopefully it made you think too.
Hello :] My Middle Name Is Jayde. Thanks For Reading. :]
First thing's first: I think way too much. I always have a zillion things running through my head, so my emotions are ALWAYS going insane. I will be posting some of my thoughts to share with you in hopes I can get things off my mind.
Well, before I go any farther into my thoughts, I need to share a bit about myself. I was born just like every other kid, into a family that "believed" in God, But almost never went to church. That is, until I was in 6th grade. My parent's got invited to a church by some neighbors and we started going, first only Wednesdays, then Sundays too. 6th grade was my first year of switching classes and all the drama that came with junior high, I didn't see why I needed all that on my plate too. It didn't make any sense to me, why did we have to go now if it wasn't a priority before.
It wasn't until 7th grade I really started going down the wrong path. I had a really good friend, and then another girl joined us. We were the "popular" ones in our group, or whatever you would call it. We were the girls that everyone wanted to be around in the clique. So after a while one of the girls, I'll call her "Jess", and I became best friends. Jess spent the night at my house every weekend, and one night, everything went downhill.
I had a boyfriend at the time who I was Obsessed with. I'll call him " Ty". So I was in "love" with Ty, we "went out" for at least 8 months, this was all last summer. Anyways, he wanted to see me again, and asked Jess and I to come out at midnight. I had a best friend since forever who lived across the street, "Lance", and Ty was spending the night at his house. So Jess convinced me that it would be okay and we snuck out my window and hung out. It seemed like innocent teenage stuff at first, we would do it every other weekend, didn't seem so bad. Until my parents found out.
I wasn't in any major trouble, maybe grounded for a few weeks, I just had to promise that I would never do it again. Easy enough, I thought I found a loophole, If I couldn't sneak out, then why don't I just sneak my friends IN? It was the perfect plan. Until Ty got caught sneaking back in his house one night, and his Mom called my parents. Needless to say, I was grounded until I was dead. Maybe even after I was dead.
I was mad. That's not even the right word for it. I was FURIOUS.
All of the loneliness and the guilt of what I had done, feeling worthless and ashamed all the time and not being able to talk to anyone about it because of what I had done was overbearing. I began to feel such a hatred to myself. I began to experiment with bulimia, I don't know why, I didn't feel fat or anything, I think it was just an 'escape' from everything, and it made me feel better about myself. That went on for several months before I went on a missions trip with my youth group to New York.
It wasn't only myself I hated at that time, It was God too. I wanted nothing to do with him. People who knew me before that missions trip will tell you how cold and distant I was with everyone around me. I hated everyone there and God and myself and just about everything else. It was on the third day of training to go out onto the missions field that changed my life forever. We were in worship, and I was sitting in the back with my arms crossed over my chest, when one of my friends on the trip came in front of me.
I can't even begin to explain it, Her voice was the same....but different somehow. I can't explain it. Her eyes were closed, and she told my to grab her hand, Of course I was hesitant, why wouldn't I be? She asked again so I finally just did., And when I did she told me she loved me, I was like "okay....Thanks....love you too I guess.." And then she said "this isn't "Amanda"." and I looked over, panicking and confused, at a friend sitting up a seat, she was crying and kept saying "it's God! It's God!" And then it hit me. God was speaking to me through a good friend, and telling me everything I needed to hear at that point in my life.He said I was Beautiful, I wasn't worthless, and that I was going to do great things for him.
You couldn't even imagine what I felt at that exact moment, and I couldn't explain it to you. I was elated x 10000000. Even more than that itself. It changed my life. I realized later on, seeing my old friends, how much I had changed and they hadn't. I realized what I was like before, How much I had cursed and how mean I was inside and out, and I kept trying to help them come to Jesus, and for a while I really thought I was getting through to them, but then they slowly stopped coming to youth, got worse with cussing and impurity, and I will admit, I stopped trying after a while. I know I shouldn't, but they always make me feel stupid. And I know that tends to happen, and I'm working up the boldness to try again. Because I truly want everyone in the world to be as happy as I am.
That's my story. It's been a year since then. I'm only 14, imagine what God can do in your life? I can't say my life has been perfect since I accepted Jesus, but I can say it's been so much easier because I always have someone to talk to and someone who loves me when I really need it. I'm still merely human, I make mistakes, I get angry, I get sad and I do and say things I regret later, but it doesn't change the fact that God loves me and he loves everyone else too. Even you, for those who are reading this. He loves you much more than he or anyone else could explain to you.
If you're going through a rough time and just want someone to talk to, I'm right here, and I would love to help you, so Email me at:
jaydesaysrawrr@hotmail.com.
Thanks for reading and I will continue to post.
1 John 2:17
