First Thoughts

Hello :] My Middle Name Is Jayde. Thanks For Reading. :]


First thing's first: I think way too much. I always have a zillion things running through my head, so my emotions are ALWAYS going insane. I will be posting some of my thoughts to share with you in hopes I can get things off my mind.
      Well, before I go any farther into my thoughts, I need to share a bit about myself. I was born just like every other kid, into a family that "believed" in God, But almost never went to church. That is, until I was in 6th grade. My parent's got invited to a church by some neighbors and we started going, first only Wednesdays, then Sundays too. 6th grade was my first year of switching classes and all the drama that came with junior high, I didn't see why I needed all that on my plate too. It didn't make any sense to me, why did we have to go now if it wasn't a priority before.
    It wasn't until 7th grade I really started going down the wrong path. I had a really good friend, and then another girl joined us. We were the "popular" ones in our group, or whatever you would call it. We were the girls that everyone wanted to be around in the clique. So after a while one of the girls, I'll call her "Jess", and I became best friends. Jess spent the night at my house every weekend, and one night, everything went downhill.
     I had a boyfriend at the time who I was Obsessed with. I'll call him " Ty". So I was in "love" with Ty, we "went out" for at least 8 months, this was all last summer. Anyways, he wanted to see me again, and asked Jess and I to come out at midnight. I had a best friend since forever who lived across the street, "Lance", and Ty was spending the night at his house. So Jess convinced me that it would be okay and we snuck out my window and hung out. It seemed like innocent teenage stuff at first, we would do it every other weekend, didn't seem so bad. Until my parents found out.
    I wasn't in any major trouble, maybe grounded for a few weeks, I just had to promise that I would never do it again. Easy enough, I thought I found a loophole, If I couldn't sneak out, then why don't I just sneak my friends IN? It was the perfect plan. Until Ty got caught sneaking back in his house one night, and his Mom called my parents. Needless to say, I was grounded until I was dead. Maybe even after I was dead. 
    I was mad. That's not even the right word for it. I was FURIOUS.
All of the loneliness and the guilt of what I had done, feeling worthless and ashamed all the time and not being able to talk to anyone about it because of what I had done was overbearing. I began to feel such a hatred to myself. I began to experiment with bulimia, I don't know why, I didn't feel fat or anything, I think it was just an 'escape' from everything, and it made me feel better about myself. That went on for several months before I went on a missions trip with my youth group to New York.
    It wasn't only myself I hated at that time, It was God too. I wanted nothing to do with him. People who knew me before that missions trip will tell you how cold and distant I was with everyone around me. I hated everyone there and God and myself and just about everything else. It was on the third day of training to go out onto the missions field that changed my life forever.  We were in worship, and I was sitting in the back with my arms crossed over my chest, when one of my friends on the trip came in front of me.
     I can't even begin to explain it, Her voice was the same....but different somehow. I can't explain it. Her eyes were closed, and she told my to grab her hand, Of course I was hesitant, why wouldn't I be? She asked again so I finally just did., And when I did she told me she loved me, I was like "okay....Thanks....love you too I guess.."  And then she said "this isn't "Amanda"." and I looked over, panicking and confused, at a friend sitting up a seat, she was crying and kept saying "it's God! It's God!" And then it hit me. God was speaking to me through a good friend, and telling me everything I needed to hear at that point in my life.He said I was Beautiful, I wasn't worthless, and that I was going to do great things for him. 
    You couldn't even imagine what I felt at that exact moment, and I couldn't explain it to you. I was elated x 10000000. Even more than that itself. It changed my life. I realized later on, seeing my old friends, how much I had changed and they hadn't. I realized what I was like before, How much I had cursed and how mean I was inside and out, and I kept trying to help them come to Jesus, and for a while I really thought I was getting through to them, but then they slowly stopped coming to youth, got worse with cussing and impurity, and I will admit, I stopped trying after a while. I know I shouldn't, but they always make me feel stupid. And I know that tends to happen, and I'm working up the boldness to try again. Because I truly want everyone in the world to be as happy as I am.
          That's my story. It's been a year since then. I'm only 14, imagine what God can do in your life? I can't say my life has been perfect since I accepted Jesus, but I can say it's been so much easier because I always have someone to talk to and someone who loves me when I really need it. I'm still merely human, I make mistakes, I get angry, I get sad and I do and say things I regret later, but it doesn't change the fact that God loves me and he loves everyone else too. Even you, for those who are reading this. He loves you much more than he or anyone else could explain to you. 
         If you're going through a rough time and just want someone to talk to, I'm right here, and I would love to help you, so Email me at:
jaydesaysrawrr@hotmail.com.
      Thanks for reading and I will continue to post.
1 John 2:17