This is a subject that's kind of hard for me to talk about. But I'm going to. For a while now, I've struggled with appearance issues. My hair never looked right, or I would have too much acne on my face. But I couldn't really help those things. But there was one thing I could help: My WEIGHT.
I've never felt skinny enough. I'm always comparing myself to other people. Acne, frizzy hair, I couldn't really do anything about that. But maybe if I ate less, I could drop a few pounds. Maybe then I would be happy with myself.
I still wasn't though. So maybe the only way to lose weight was to not eat at all. Right? So I didn't eat. for 4 days. And then I was in English class. I remember I was really uncomfortable. I couldn't sit still. And then everything was spinning.
And I woke up on the floor of the classroom with people all huddled around me. I remember my Mom coming to get me. And taking me to the emergency room. And my Dad showing up.
And I remember even after that was all over.... Still not wanting to eat. And Im still struggling with it. But I've come to the conclusion that even if I was 98 pounds, then maybe I'd want to be 96. and then 94. No matter how skinny I get I'm always going to want to be skinnier. There's always going to be somebody out there who's prettier. Who has nicer skin.
And so I'm trying to learn to be happier with myself. I think I'm getting better, too. I still hate my appearance, but I'm learning to not put myself down as much. To not worry about it. To not constantly be worried about how others might see me, so I can eventually learn to love myself.
And I guess that's all I really had to say.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Stage fright
Today I had to do my final for drama class. The last big grade before report cards come out. I did it early so I would have a chance to use the beautiful baby grand piano, rather than just use a keyboard inside a cramped classroom on Tuesday when everyone else would be performing whatever they came up with.
The goal was to entertain our teacher for a full minute and a half, just by yourself. No partner work. THAT, my friends, is one of my biggest fears. Public speaking. Butterflies flood my stomach, my hands get sweaty, my knees get shaky. And considering that my drama class is 1st period, I didn't have much time to prepare.
I know the song I played like the back of my hand, But with how nervous I was, It was easy for me to mess up. I got up on stage when she called my name, and grabbed the piano bench from the back. Then my teacher says: "I hope that doesn't fall on you." I asked her if it would. She said: "I wouldnt trust it."
Then I realized one of the legs on the bench was only stapled/duct-taped on. Great. I was already nervous enough! Finally, I sat down (on a chair that I didn't think was going to kill me), stretched out my fingers, and started to play.
It's like every time I ever played a recital, I forget there's a crowd of people around me and my fingers just glide across the keys, until I realize the song is over and I can stop playing and walk back to my seat. I'm certainly not the best at it, But I love to play.
The coolest part was when I stood up after I was done with the song, I was expecting a few claps, But instead, EVERYONE clapped. It was one of those loud claps that go on longer than they should. It made me feel so great inside. I can see myself playing in front of people again. And again....and again...
But first, I need to get over this stupid stage fright! Just thought I'd share, because today has been a really great day(:
The goal was to entertain our teacher for a full minute and a half, just by yourself. No partner work. THAT, my friends, is one of my biggest fears. Public speaking. Butterflies flood my stomach, my hands get sweaty, my knees get shaky. And considering that my drama class is 1st period, I didn't have much time to prepare.
I know the song I played like the back of my hand, But with how nervous I was, It was easy for me to mess up. I got up on stage when she called my name, and grabbed the piano bench from the back. Then my teacher says: "I hope that doesn't fall on you." I asked her if it would. She said: "I wouldnt trust it."
Then I realized one of the legs on the bench was only stapled/duct-taped on. Great. I was already nervous enough! Finally, I sat down (on a chair that I didn't think was going to kill me), stretched out my fingers, and started to play.
It's like every time I ever played a recital, I forget there's a crowd of people around me and my fingers just glide across the keys, until I realize the song is over and I can stop playing and walk back to my seat. I'm certainly not the best at it, But I love to play.
The coolest part was when I stood up after I was done with the song, I was expecting a few claps, But instead, EVERYONE clapped. It was one of those loud claps that go on longer than they should. It made me feel so great inside. I can see myself playing in front of people again. And again....and again...
But first, I need to get over this stupid stage fright! Just thought I'd share, because today has been a really great day(:
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My Mask
Over the summer, I went on a missions trip to Philadelphia that changed me...for a little while, at least. You see, before the trip, I used to wear so much makeup that sometimes I didn't even recognize myself. It wasn't eye makeup, so it wasn't too horribly noticable, just foundation. I hated my skin, I hated my face in general, So I would splatter just about every foundation and concealer I had just to cover up...myself.
When we got to philly, I still did that for the first 3 days while we were in training. But once we actually had to go out onto the mission field, the humidity was so bad that if I wore any makeup at all it would just slide right off of my face. I didn't really have a choice, I had to look that way, or have mascara smeared down my cheeks.
By the end of the trip, I was so used to seeing my face that way that I didn't feel the need to wear it anymore. It went on like that until the first day of my freshman year. I got up in the morning, got all ready, no makeup whatsoever. But then I started thinking, these aren't people from my youth group who don't care, these are people from school, who do. So I splattered on the makeup, like I always used to, and it's been that way ever since.
When there's no school, like now on Christmas break, I don't feel the need to "Paint my face" as my Dad calls it, And I started thinking..why should I have to when schools in? I mean, no matter how much makeup I put on my face, I can't escape the reality of who I really am. I am frizzy, curly haired Lorynne. I am the one with the past acne scars on my cheeks. I am the one with all the freckles scattered across my nose.
I don't think even writing this is going to teach me my lesson. But I can still look back on it, and remember that I don't need to mask myself with makeup. But on my first day of my new high school, I'll probably do it again. And maybe a week, maybe a month, who knows how long! I'll look back on this and learn it all again. I don't know how long it's going to take before I can feel beautiful without it, but this sure is a start.
So here I am. To be honest, this isnt even that good of a picture. One of my cheeks is red like my hair from scars, but the webcam I have made it turn out like this. But here I am, makeupless, hair natural...It's me. And no matter how hard I try, I can't change that.
Thanks for reading.
When we got to philly, I still did that for the first 3 days while we were in training. But once we actually had to go out onto the mission field, the humidity was so bad that if I wore any makeup at all it would just slide right off of my face. I didn't really have a choice, I had to look that way, or have mascara smeared down my cheeks.
By the end of the trip, I was so used to seeing my face that way that I didn't feel the need to wear it anymore. It went on like that until the first day of my freshman year. I got up in the morning, got all ready, no makeup whatsoever. But then I started thinking, these aren't people from my youth group who don't care, these are people from school, who do. So I splattered on the makeup, like I always used to, and it's been that way ever since.
When there's no school, like now on Christmas break, I don't feel the need to "Paint my face" as my Dad calls it, And I started thinking..why should I have to when schools in? I mean, no matter how much makeup I put on my face, I can't escape the reality of who I really am. I am frizzy, curly haired Lorynne. I am the one with the past acne scars on my cheeks. I am the one with all the freckles scattered across my nose.
I don't think even writing this is going to teach me my lesson. But I can still look back on it, and remember that I don't need to mask myself with makeup. But on my first day of my new high school, I'll probably do it again. And maybe a week, maybe a month, who knows how long! I'll look back on this and learn it all again. I don't know how long it's going to take before I can feel beautiful without it, but this sure is a start.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Moving On/ Humanity
Recently, I lost 2 of my very best friends. I'm sure we all know what's that's like. You wonder: "What did I do wrong?" I've been repeating that over and over in my head for about a week now. I guess the whole point of this post is that I've come to realize that not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to stay by your side.
You have to find the ones who will. One of the people I've lost I've been best friends with for about 9 months. At the time we met, I was praying and praying, "Please, God! I need a real friend. Please, bring someone into my life." and then I met her. And we had an awesome friendship, but, everything happens for a reason. I don't understand now, but I know good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I bet a lot of you are thinking, "Wow, you're taking this awfully well for this happening just a week ago!" Truth? I'm not. Truth? Last night, when both of my parents weren't home, I was in my room crying my eyes out, angry, upset, I was wondering "Why, God!? Why would you bring her into my life just to take her out! Why!" But you know, God never gives us anything that we can't handle.
Want to know another truth? Okay, here it is: I. Am. Not. Perfect. I have flaws. I say and do stupid things. I regret it later. And wanna know what else? Sometimes, when I'm angry or upset, or when I don't even realize I'm doing it, a bad word will slip out of my mouth. Hold the gasps! I know, right? A Christian doesn't do those things!
Wrong. Now, you can't read what I just admitted and now realize you do the exact same things. No matter how hard we try, We. Mess. Up. It's human. We're all going to make mistakes, We're all going to fail trying not to sometimes. That doesn't mean we're bad people, it just makes us what we are. Human.
I'm posting this because if you've lost a friend, or in my case, 2 very special friends, It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You're going to get angry, you're going to get upset, just like I did! But you didn't do anything wrong. God took them out of your life for a reason. Now, don't get me wrong, I still love those 2 special girls with all that I've got, and I only wish the best for them, But I am upset with them. Wanna know why? You guessed it! I. Am. Human!
So there you have it. The truth. People change, people leave. But that doesn't mean you should mope around and get upset like I did, it just means you need to try your best to keep your head high, and move on with your life. Wanna know one last truth? Here it is. : Life is too short to mope around because of your future. You can't change your past, but you can make your future whatever you want it to be.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost.
Now, go out there and live life to the fullest, and remember no matter who you are, I'm here for you. No matter what.
You have to find the ones who will. One of the people I've lost I've been best friends with for about 9 months. At the time we met, I was praying and praying, "Please, God! I need a real friend. Please, bring someone into my life." and then I met her. And we had an awesome friendship, but, everything happens for a reason. I don't understand now, but I know good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I bet a lot of you are thinking, "Wow, you're taking this awfully well for this happening just a week ago!" Truth? I'm not. Truth? Last night, when both of my parents weren't home, I was in my room crying my eyes out, angry, upset, I was wondering "Why, God!? Why would you bring her into my life just to take her out! Why!" But you know, God never gives us anything that we can't handle.
Want to know another truth? Okay, here it is: I. Am. Not. Perfect. I have flaws. I say and do stupid things. I regret it later. And wanna know what else? Sometimes, when I'm angry or upset, or when I don't even realize I'm doing it, a bad word will slip out of my mouth. Hold the gasps! I know, right? A Christian doesn't do those things!
Wrong. Now, you can't read what I just admitted and now realize you do the exact same things. No matter how hard we try, We. Mess. Up. It's human. We're all going to make mistakes, We're all going to fail trying not to sometimes. That doesn't mean we're bad people, it just makes us what we are. Human.
I'm posting this because if you've lost a friend, or in my case, 2 very special friends, It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You're going to get angry, you're going to get upset, just like I did! But you didn't do anything wrong. God took them out of your life for a reason. Now, don't get me wrong, I still love those 2 special girls with all that I've got, and I only wish the best for them, But I am upset with them. Wanna know why? You guessed it! I. Am. Human!
So there you have it. The truth. People change, people leave. But that doesn't mean you should mope around and get upset like I did, it just means you need to try your best to keep your head high, and move on with your life. Wanna know one last truth? Here it is. : Life is too short to mope around because of your future. You can't change your past, but you can make your future whatever you want it to be.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." -Robert Frost.
Now, go out there and live life to the fullest, and remember no matter who you are, I'm here for you. No matter what.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hiding
I'm sure we all know what it's like to hide. To hide your real self, hide what you want to say...and how you feel. Hiding from the world. It's hard to be yourself in a world full of others that want you to be just like them. It's hard to be yourself in a world full of people who mock others for individuality. Its just hard.
It's hard being the "weird kid". It's hard being the one that's able to stand out and not care. But me? I've made that choice. I want to stand out and say what I want and what I feel is right. I want to stand up when I know what I believe in. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle, Doesn't mean it's still not hard.
You know those masks the superheroes wear? Like the ones from "The Incredibles"? Why do they wear them? To hide their identities, they don't want everyone to know who they really are. We all wear one just like that. We all put on a fake mask and walk around with it, pretending to be something we all know we're not. We're all fake.
I'm not saying this to be rude, or to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but it's the truth. Take a good look at yourself right now: how many times have you wanted to stand up for what you believe in, but didn't because you were too afraid? How many times have you wanted to say what you feel, but couldn't, because of the fear people wouldn't accept you? If you're being honest with yourself, you're thinking "one too many times".
I'm taking a good look at myself right now. Sure, I dress how I want and don't care what anyone has to say about it, But hey, I never speak what's on my mind. I barely speak at all to people I'm not close to, And why? Because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid people won't take me as I am, and I'll be an outcast. I. Am. Afraid.
I'm like every other human being on this Earth. I have fears, I have flaws....But I've come to realize, I'm not afraid to admit to them. If I don't control them, they will soon control me. And I'm not going to let that happen.
The point of this post is to tell people: It's okay to be afraid, but don't let your fears get in the way of doing what you want to do like I am. If you're afraid to speak out, don't choose to just be silent like me, choose to speak. We are all on this Earth for a purpose, and if we don't try, we'll never find out what that purpose is.
If you'd like to talk more on this, or anything else, you can reach me at: jaydesaysrawrr@hotmail.com
Remember: I love you, every single one of you, and I'm a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on if you need it. Thanks for reading.
It's hard being the "weird kid". It's hard being the one that's able to stand out and not care. But me? I've made that choice. I want to stand out and say what I want and what I feel is right. I want to stand up when I know what I believe in. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle, Doesn't mean it's still not hard.
You know those masks the superheroes wear? Like the ones from "The Incredibles"? Why do they wear them? To hide their identities, they don't want everyone to know who they really are. We all wear one just like that. We all put on a fake mask and walk around with it, pretending to be something we all know we're not. We're all fake.
I'm not saying this to be rude, or to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but it's the truth. Take a good look at yourself right now: how many times have you wanted to stand up for what you believe in, but didn't because you were too afraid? How many times have you wanted to say what you feel, but couldn't, because of the fear people wouldn't accept you? If you're being honest with yourself, you're thinking "one too many times".
I'm taking a good look at myself right now. Sure, I dress how I want and don't care what anyone has to say about it, But hey, I never speak what's on my mind. I barely speak at all to people I'm not close to, And why? Because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid people won't take me as I am, and I'll be an outcast. I. Am. Afraid.
I'm like every other human being on this Earth. I have fears, I have flaws....But I've come to realize, I'm not afraid to admit to them. If I don't control them, they will soon control me. And I'm not going to let that happen.
The point of this post is to tell people: It's okay to be afraid, but don't let your fears get in the way of doing what you want to do like I am. If you're afraid to speak out, don't choose to just be silent like me, choose to speak. We are all on this Earth for a purpose, and if we don't try, we'll never find out what that purpose is.
If you'd like to talk more on this, or anything else, you can reach me at: jaydesaysrawrr@hotmail.com
Remember: I love you, every single one of you, and I'm a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on if you need it. Thanks for reading.
Friday, September 24, 2010
When Is It My Time To Shine?
Hmm. I bet there are so many other people who feel exactly as the title says. I've sure been feeling that way lately. It just seems like I'm 2 steps in back of everyone else. Like everyone is out there having fun, and just living life to it's fullest. I know I've definitely had my share of problems with being afraid to really get out there and have fun for a change.
Then, out of nowhere, I came across this quote:
"Just because today was a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your entire life, you just have to wake up and get there." -Pete Wentz
Some people here are probably thinking "Yeah, right. Because I'm going to wake up tomorrow and all my problems are going to be magically gone. Sure." But that's not it. We just have to have hope and keep pushing on that tomorrow we could wake up, and it's just going to be amazing. We all have our time to shine, maybe it's tomorrow, maybe it's in a week, maybe it's not even until you're 50 years old! But it'll come eventually, just you wait and see.
I know what it feels like to feel like you're not going to fit in, to try and hide yourself because you're afraid of being rejected, but that's okay. God tells us to be different, to not give in to the conformist ways of this world. The song "Anti Conformity" By. Krystel Meyers really explains that, and it has a catchy beat :] Look it up sometime.
To wrap this all up, I just wanted to explain that no matter how bad your week is going, or maybe even month is going, just keep waiting for your moment. Because in that moment, God will give you your time to shine, and you're going to Rock It! :]
Then, out of nowhere, I came across this quote:
"Just because today was a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your entire life, you just have to wake up and get there." -Pete Wentz
Some people here are probably thinking "Yeah, right. Because I'm going to wake up tomorrow and all my problems are going to be magically gone. Sure." But that's not it. We just have to have hope and keep pushing on that tomorrow we could wake up, and it's just going to be amazing. We all have our time to shine, maybe it's tomorrow, maybe it's in a week, maybe it's not even until you're 50 years old! But it'll come eventually, just you wait and see.
I know what it feels like to feel like you're not going to fit in, to try and hide yourself because you're afraid of being rejected, but that's okay. God tells us to be different, to not give in to the conformist ways of this world. The song "Anti Conformity" By. Krystel Meyers really explains that, and it has a catchy beat :] Look it up sometime.
To wrap this all up, I just wanted to explain that no matter how bad your week is going, or maybe even month is going, just keep waiting for your moment. Because in that moment, God will give you your time to shine, and you're going to Rock It! :]
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Invincibility
" And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
Ahh....I don't know about you, but those lyrics make me feel invincible. I've been having the worst self esteem issues, and last night at youth, I heard those words and I felt like I was capable of doing anything I desired.
It always seems like when I'm at my highest point in confidence, when my anxiety is under control, stupid Satan comes and brings drama or pain and makes everything even lower than when it began. I'm happy for once in a long while, I'm laughing with my friends, then one day, I wake up, and look in the mirror, and I feel ugly, worthless, hatred to myself than I had ever before. Then I went to youth last night, feeling completely terrible, and God just makes me feel like I'm worth something again.
I've had these issues with anxiety and esteem for a while, but when I started high school it got ten times worse. I always feel like everyone is looking at me, like their talking bad things about me, And I know I'm just over thinking it, but I can't help it. It just amazes me how one morning I'm crying and that very night I'm on top of the world.
I realized through all of this though....and through watching the movie "Fireproof" (Which I have to say, was amazing), That I am fireproof myself, fire will come, but with God by my side I'm not going to get burned, And that amazes me in a million different ways.
The whole point in this post is because I feel like there's so many other girls out there, struggling with the things I'm going through too. I just want to let them all know, even though I don't feel beautiful myself most of the time, It doesn't matter what you look like, what outfit you're wearing to school, how your hair looks 24/7. God is going to judge you by what's in your heart and nothing more. So stand by Him no matter what, and He promises he'll reward you in the end.
Thank you so much to everyone who reads and follows my blog, I really enjoy writing and it's amazing to be able to share what God is doing in my life, and I love you all :]
Stay strong, get through it, It'll all be okay in the end<3
Ahh....I don't know about you, but those lyrics make me feel invincible. I've been having the worst self esteem issues, and last night at youth, I heard those words and I felt like I was capable of doing anything I desired.
It always seems like when I'm at my highest point in confidence, when my anxiety is under control, stupid Satan comes and brings drama or pain and makes everything even lower than when it began. I'm happy for once in a long while, I'm laughing with my friends, then one day, I wake up, and look in the mirror, and I feel ugly, worthless, hatred to myself than I had ever before. Then I went to youth last night, feeling completely terrible, and God just makes me feel like I'm worth something again.
I've had these issues with anxiety and esteem for a while, but when I started high school it got ten times worse. I always feel like everyone is looking at me, like their talking bad things about me, And I know I'm just over thinking it, but I can't help it. It just amazes me how one morning I'm crying and that very night I'm on top of the world.
I realized through all of this though....and through watching the movie "Fireproof" (Which I have to say, was amazing), That I am fireproof myself, fire will come, but with God by my side I'm not going to get burned, And that amazes me in a million different ways.
The whole point in this post is because I feel like there's so many other girls out there, struggling with the things I'm going through too. I just want to let them all know, even though I don't feel beautiful myself most of the time, It doesn't matter what you look like, what outfit you're wearing to school, how your hair looks 24/7. God is going to judge you by what's in your heart and nothing more. So stand by Him no matter what, and He promises he'll reward you in the end.
Thank you so much to everyone who reads and follows my blog, I really enjoy writing and it's amazing to be able to share what God is doing in my life, and I love you all :]
Stay strong, get through it, It'll all be okay in the end<3
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