Never skinny enough.

This is a subject that's kind of hard for me to talk about. But I'm going to. For a while now, I've struggled with appearance issues. My hair never looked right, or I would have too much acne on my face. But I couldn't really help those things. But there was one thing I could help: My WEIGHT.
    I've never felt skinny enough. I'm always comparing myself to other people. Acne, frizzy hair, I couldn't really do anything about that. But maybe if I ate less, I could drop a few pounds. Maybe then I would be happy with myself.
   I still wasn't though. So maybe the only way to lose weight was to not eat at all. Right? So I didn't eat. for 4 days. And then I was in English class. I remember I was really uncomfortable. I couldn't sit still. And then everything was spinning. 
    And I woke up on the floor of the classroom with people all huddled around me. I remember my Mom coming to get me. And taking me to the emergency room. And my Dad showing up.
    And I remember even after that was all over.... Still not wanting to eat. And Im still struggling with it. But I've come to the conclusion that even if I was 98 pounds, then maybe I'd want to be 96. and then 94. No matter how skinny I get I'm always going to want to be skinnier. There's always going to be somebody out there who's prettier. Who has nicer skin.
   And so I'm trying to learn to be happier with myself. I think I'm getting better, too. I still hate my appearance, but I'm learning to not put myself down as much. To not worry about it. To not constantly be worried about how others might see me, so I can eventually learn to love myself.
    And I guess that's all I really had to say.     

Stage fright

  Today I had to do my final for drama class. The last big grade before report cards come out. I did it early so I would have a chance to use the beautiful baby grand piano, rather than just use a keyboard inside a cramped classroom on Tuesday when everyone else would be performing whatever they came up with.
    The goal was to entertain our teacher for a full minute and a half, just by yourself. No partner work. THAT, my friends, is one of my biggest fears. Public speaking. Butterflies flood my stomach, my hands get sweaty, my knees get shaky. And considering that my drama class is 1st period, I didn't have much time to prepare.
    I know the song I played like the back of my hand, But with how nervous I was, It was easy for me to mess up. I got up on stage when she called my name, and grabbed the piano bench from the back. Then my teacher says: "I hope that doesn't fall on you." I asked her if it would. She said: "I wouldnt trust it."
    Then I realized one of the legs on the bench was only stapled/duct-taped on. Great. I was already nervous enough! Finally, I sat down (on a chair that I didn't think was going to kill me), stretched out my fingers, and started to play. 
    It's like every time I ever played a recital, I forget there's a crowd of people around me and my fingers just glide across the keys, until I realize the song is over and I can stop playing and walk back to my seat. I'm certainly not the best at it, But I love to play.
    The coolest part was when I stood up after I was done with the song, I was expecting a few claps, But instead, EVERYONE clapped. It was one of those loud claps that go on longer than they should. It made me feel so great inside. I can see myself playing in front of people again. And again....and again...
       But first, I need to get over this stupid stage fright! Just thought I'd share, because today has been a really great day(: